I opened a box of sandwich bags yesterday and saw something a little odd. No, it wasn’t a baby shrew like I found in the bottom of my tub of quick cooking oats. Why did it have to be in the bottom? No, it wasn’t a hair or a fingernail; I would go to Taco Bell for that. It was even more disturbing, yet on a different level. I found an invitation to “friend” the sandwich bags on Facebook. Wow. Seriously? I know they have a nifty zipper-like feature, but I don’t see them helping me move, or giving me a ride to the airport.

I have been using Facebook for less than three years. I was very stubborn about joining. I had been an avid user of MySpace for many years. I really enjoyed it. “The equivalent of decorating a locker in high school” is how David Spade described MySpace. I didn’t want to admit it at the time, but it’s true. I spent hour after hour tweaking HTML code to get every picture, every border, and every bit of font on my page just right. I loved the fact that I could change the page to match the season or my mood. That site even supported music! I didn’t think Facebook was nearly as cool. I refused to become part of something so plain and so public.

After losing friends to Facebook and turning down several invitations to join it myself, I caved. It’s not nearly as customizable as what I had been using. I couldn’t even change the background color on this “social network”. Yeah, I just love that title by the way, social network. Things that I basically have a phobia about: being social and networking. Now I can have those two things in the privacy of my own home. Gee… That’s fantastic.

So on to my point, it’s not just enough that everyone I know has one of these pages, but EVERYTHING has a freakin’ Facebook page now. I have “friended” my friend’s dog. “He” posts pictures of himself getting to go on a walk, and talks about going to the dog park. I’m not humoring my friends in this case because I really like their dog. He’s sweet, and he knew how to post a video before I did. That’s one smart puppy!

For a while on Facebook there were “fan pages”; this was a page for almost anything one can imagine. Anyone not familiar with Facebook needs to know this… nothing one does on this site is private. I know when someone “likes” something, posts a picture, changes their profile picture, updates a status, posts anything on someone else’s “wall”, farts, or gets engaged. This was the main reason why I was reluctant to join.

So really, why does belly button lint have a page with over seven hundred people who have clicked “like”? That’s all that can be done now, by the way; I can’t be a fan, but I can click the button that shows I like the subject. So of course, I clicked “like” for Haycomet.com, because seriously, who in their right mind doesn’t like Haycomet.com?! I also clicked like for bacon for the same reason. I refuse to click the like button or become a “Fb Friend” of sandwich bags, air freshener, toilet paper, gum, or any other item I can buy at a grocery store. Except for the bacon, bacon deserves its own page!

There are “Interests” pages on Facebook as well. I filled out my profile page with details about me and the things I like to do, watch, read, and hobbies that I have. When I did that, my interest became their own pages. So there are pages for Princess Bride, The Mentalist, the Bible, baking, cake decorating, and spending time with family and friends. I searched interests that others have mentioned on their pages, and found creepy stuff. There are interests pages for “Pooping on the Floor” (It’s for dogs, thank goodness! But still… Ewww), “Smelling Clothes to See if You Can Wear Them Again”, “Nose Picking”, and “Farting Underwater”. Guess which one has over ten thousand members.

Does everything have to have a page? If you can name it, I’m sure there is a Facebook page for it. There are also games where one can farm an imaginary ville or clean imaginary fish tanks. That’s a whole different article – one for another time. I was actually a fan, early on in my Facebook membership, of “I can’t stand how many idiotic groups are created! Including this one!” I finally removed myself from that group, and joined “There are no worthwhile pages to ‘like’ except Haycomet and Bacon!”. Please feel free to join those as well. Now click “like” if you are glad this column is finished.