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Total Non-cents!

I know I’m a female, but I’m not crazy about shopping. As I’ve written in the past, I’m a chick, and “loving to shop until dropping” is not one of the traits of a chick. There are much better things I can be doing with my time. I don’t ever go shopping without having a very good reason: running out of toilet paper, picking up a prescription, craving marzipan that is shaped like tiny fruits. You know, those important reasons. You will never find me in Macy’s or other upscale stores because I just don’t understand the point. I won’t spend more than fifteen dollars on a purse, and I couldn’t care less about brand names. I shop at retail and consignment shops only after I wear holes through the butt of my jeans or the sleeves start falling off my shirts.

Why do I detest shopping? First of all, I overthink EVERYTHING. So shopping becomes a long drawn-out process when I am alone and don’t have someone with me telling me that it’s a great deal, or that I look good in a pair of pink camouflage cargo shorts. I often stand in an aisle and mentally debate with myself. I also change my mind at least twice; I’ll pick something up, then walk a couple of feet, go back, set it down, then pick up something else. I have found that store security finds this suspicious and usually sends over one of their old guys dressed in street clothes to stand directly next to me to intimidate me. I know it’s security, because really, why would an old man stop and look at women’s sunglasses or bras? Yes, he could be a perv, but in most cases, I know it’s security. I want to yell at them and say, “I’m not trying to steal this, I’m just trying to figure out the best deal for my money!” This leads me to the other reason I don’t like to shop – spending money.

I’m usually very thrifty and spend money only on necessities. I clip coupons and organize them in the plastic sheets that are used for storing baseball cards. What? There is nothing wrong with organizing my coupons; it’s not like I alphabetize the categories and the coupons stored within each category or anything crazy like that… that does sound fun though. I also don’t see anything wrong with prioritizing needs. I always have a list in my head of things that need to be done and they are in order of importance from most to least. So when I see a cool shirt with a skull on it, I ask myself if I truly need a shirt. If yes, then I go to the next question. Is there anything on the list that outweighs clothing myself? For example: my fence is falling down, my stovetop only has two working burners, the oven likes to randomly turn on the “cleaning mode” while I’m cooking, the kitchen floods when it rains, and I have to replace my brake pads. I would easily talk myself out of buying the shirt.

What is something that really truly irks me about shopping? The whole ninety-nine cents thing. If something is $9.99, I think the store should just say that it is ten bucks. I read that the reason for this is because people will subconsciously block out the cents and look at the main dollar amount. So if confronted with one item for $5.99 and a similar item for $6.00, the consumer will opt for the $5.99 item. There are whole stores devoted to the ninety-nine cent price. Likewise, there are dollar stores. I would rather shop at the latter because they’re not trying to look like the better deal. That one penny can make a huge difference. The Dollar Tree actually does better in the stock market than the 99¢ Only Store. Perhaps the government could take advantage of the penny that so many stores reluctantly don’t want to charge. Think about it. The United States’s debt is in the trillions. If all items that are currently priced as having ninety-nine cents were raised by one penny, and each penny was applied to the deficit, it wouldn’t take very long to pay it off. Sure, it sounds silly, but I bet you are rolling that idea around in your head right now. It would work!

My final reason for not loving to shop is… drum roll please… PEOPLE! I have a very low tolerance for rudeness. People seem to naturally be rude and thoughtless. When I do break down and go shopping, I want to get what I need and go. I don’t want to stand and wait for the soccer mom, the one gossiping on her cell phone while standing in front of the one item I need, to move. I also cannot stand that each time I do need to pause and read to see if the product I’m buying is corn-free and peanut-free, I get a baby boomer physically pushing into me with her cart. Personal space became extinct the same time as politeness. Many parents allow their children to run all over the store as well, and this turns my shopping trip into a game of Frogger. I’ll walk down an aisle and nearly get run down by a little kid who comes running out from between the clothes racks. Don’t let those short little legs, blank stares, and snotty noses fool you; those little terrors can take out your kneecaps in a second and only leave behind a few boogers as evidence.

I value my kneecaps, so I think I’ll just start ordering everything I need online. That may be the perfect solution! I can take my time and compare brands and prices, all without creepy security guys walking up to me. I can find the best bargains and have them delivered. I’ll never have to leave my house to go shopping again! Don’t worry, I still won’t shop that often… I’m a chick… chicks don’t do that.

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