Monthly Archives: October 2012

Till Death Do Us Fart

My husband and I have been together for fifteen years; we’ve been married almost fourteen. We have some of the most interesting conversations, even after more than a decade together. Now and then we revisit the “If I die first, I want you to…” discussion. My husband says he could never be with another woman after me; that is very sweet (though he thought that after his first wife, even if it was for a different reason entirely). So by him sticking with that, the conversation gets directed back to me, and I respond in kind. He says that I must hook up with someone after he kicks the bucket, because…wait for it…wait for it…I “NEED to be taken care of.” Ha! Okay, so I started thinking if I could actually consider being married to someone else, and though I never want anything to happen to my husband, I do not want to be alone either. I think if I met a Christian man that treated my daughter and me well, I could consider it. There is a flip-side to this situation however, and the whole point of this blog- would any man in his right mind want to be with me? I’m not fishing for compliments here; I know there are men out there that want to jump my bones. I want to know if a man could handle being with me for “the long haul” and put up with my acquired “not so girly” and not so traditional traits.

-I think I need to have a quick flashback, so you get my point a little better-

I grew up very sheltered, out in the middle of nowhere. I was surrounded by fields, and my closest “friend” was miles away and not easily accessible, and well, not really even a good friend. My mom was very legalistic, and didn’t think it was right for me to cuss (she even considered “turd” and “fart” as horrible, nasty words), date someone she didn’t choose, kiss, or even have an opinion of my own, let alone voice that opinion. That way of thinking was ingrained into my very core, and being the nice obedient child that I was (seriously, I’m not being sarcastic here), and fearing the consequences of my mom having one of her “no-wire-hanger” moments I acted how I was brainwashed, uh…I mean, how I was taught to act.

I was prim and proper. Quiet and shy. Pretty much afraid to talk to anyone, or do anything outside of what I knew as normal. I submersed myself in school; I was voted “Most Studious” and “Most Likely to Succeed” and graduated in the top ten of my class. In 1996 I made the best decision of my teen years; I decided to move three hours away from home to attend a culinary college. I was scared to tears but I gradually began to love being away from “slower lower Delaware.” I was taking baby steps at first. I remember having an epiphany in the bread aisle at the supermarket one day. I was reaching for the bread my mom always bought, and I realized I didn’t even like that brand of bread. I reached for a different brand – it was incredibly liberating! From that point on, I realized I could do whatever I wanted and act however I wanted, and I wasn’t accountable to anyone but God.  I started getting attention from guys, and I was cool with that. I started dating, but never made it past a third date with anyone, because ((Drum roll please)) guys only wanted me for sex! Even though I was branching out and trying new things, sex was not one of those new things. I still wanted to wait until I was married. I completely gave up on finding anyone, but within a week of giving up, I met a guy. Yes, that “guy” is now my husband.

-End flashback-

My husband and I truly fulfilled the saying “opposites attract.” We are different in almost every way. The only similarities are our Christian beliefs, and political views. He is loud and very animated; he comes complete with his own sound effects. I was very calm and quiet when I met him. I did not cuss, I did not burp, and I didn’t even fart within earshot of another person. Well, let’s just say that my husband succeeded at getting me out of my shell. I actually voice my opinions now (I’m sure he regrets being responsible for that). I cuss, burp, fart, and drink beer. Oh my!

Now I’m imagining that I would probably choose someone that acts differently than my husband, if I HAD to choose someone. The reason being, no one else is going to measure up to my soul mate, so if I go with someone different, I can’t compare the two. This is what causes me to question if I could still be desirable to that type of guy. Someone quiet, clean-cut, and straight laced would probably be disgusted by my behavior. Opposites do attract, but I think I have become almost gross. Guess what? I don’t care! I finally like the way I am. It took over half of my life to reach this point, and I’m not going back now.

Has my husband ruined me for other men? Not only do I act different, but I have higher expectations of men now than I had in the past. Being married to my husband is like being married to a plethora (yes, that’s right, I used that great word from “Three Amigos”) of men and even cartoon characters. He can do a wide variety of impersonations. One moment I’m talking to Christopher Walken about my day, the next, I’m getting smacked on the butt by Sean Connery, or even discussing politics with Scooby Doo and George Bush. Can any other man even keep my attention after that? I know I said I would pick someone different than what I’m accustomed to, so that I couldn’t compare, but seriously, how could I accept anything less? Anything less would be boring.

Maybe I am ruined for other men. I guess that just means that if the worst happens, and God wants me to be with someone else, then that guy will eventually find me. Or maybe I’ll stumble across him. He will like me for all of my weird ways, and he won’t think I’m tainted goods. Of course, with all of the farting, I might smell like tainted goods, but there’s always perfume for that.

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