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The Zombie Files: Zombiephiles

I know I’m not the smartest person in the world, but I can usually figure things out.  Wait… Is that grammatically correct?  I can usually out things of which I figure?  I figured out what a man having big feet means, why women prefer vertical stripes over horizontal, and why sandwiches taste better when someone else makes them for me.   So I would think I could easily find out why people like zombies.  I do have a brain after all.  Oh, I mean I do have braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains after all. Have you noticed the recent popularity of zombies?  I hear them mentioned in daily conversations or see postings about them on Facebook almost every day.

People are making money off of zombies too.  Countless books are being published about everything from zombie yearbooks to how to survive a zombie apocalypse. Many movies have been made in the past, and more are continuing to be made now.  In fact, I can probably find movies about zombie brides, cheerleaders, teachers, boyfriends, and even zombie animals.  There are also thousands of websites devoted to the walking dead.  Cities around the United States are hosting “Zombie Walks” where participants dress up in  ripped and blood-laden clothing and stagger their way around for several blocks.  The best zombie activity I have been made aware of is the 5K Zombie Run Obstacle Course!  This  is such an incredibly awesome idea.  Entrants pay $67.00 to be chased by people in zombie makeup- pure genius!  It’s like flag football meets The Evil Dead.  Sure, I’ll sign a liability waiver and pay close to seventy bucks to be chased through the woods by volunteers wearing white contacts!   That’s awesome!  I still don’t know why, but it really seems like fun- expensive heart-pounding fun.

I have a bad back, but I’ve seen enough zombie movies to know that zombies aren’t very fast.  Maybe I’ll tease the zombies.  I’ll run circles around their leg-dragging asses!  “Grains? Yeah, I have grains, you want a granola bar?  Ooooh, you want braaaains, I have a brain.  Come get me zombie biotches!”  I might have a little problem with stamina, but I can start training now and be ready when the zombies get here.

I still don’t have an answer to my question.  Why do people like zombies?  My friend, Brit,  just messaged me and said it’s the only way to legally kill a human.  I can understand that.  Especially if I try to think from a guy’s perspective.  Guys grow up playing first person shooter games, and if a zombie apocalypse did occur in the future, they would get to live out those games.  Maybe it’s just the fear factor.  It seems more sick-o psycho movies have been made in the last decade, because they are gaining popularity.  Movies like  Saw, Trick ‘r Treat, and The Strangers have accrued a huge following.  I guess people like being scared.  Could that really be the answer?  I don’t like being scared at all, so I don’t understand the allure behind it.

I know big feet on a man indicate that he has a big shoe size.  Women prefer vertical stripes because horizontal stripes make them look like mimes.  Oh, and sandwiches taste better when others make them, well… because I don’t have to put in the effort, and less effort makes my taste buds more sensitive.  So, why are people so fascinated with zombies? Is it the desire to kill legally or is it the fear?  I think both of these reasons could be combined for the perfect answer.    Zombies are scary and potentially deadly, and if they were real- meaning if dead people were brought back to life by mystical methods- then it wouldn’t be unethical to slaughter them.  In fact, it would be our duty to kill them all!  Take heed, readers.  Zombies could potentially be sauntering our way.  Grab your weapon of choice and go obliterate some zombie skulls!!

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