There are some things that just don’t belong in certain places. Now before your mind goes to the gutter, let me point you in the direction in which I’m going. Great examples would be: a waitress’s thumb on a plate, the word “oops” at a barber shop, or a snake within 100 yards of me. So when I walk into a bathroom, and I smell apple pie… yeah, that’s not only wrong, it’s disgusting! The smell of apples and spices should not make their way into the bathroom area whatsoever. What ever happened to Lysol?

I remember when the school nurse would pull everyone out of class and check for lice with the combs that had been steeping in Lysol. The smell lingered all through the room and into every nostril. That scent is what I want to smell, at the very least, when I walk into bathroom, it’s a medicine-y yet clean scent. Today though, there are bathroom sprays in almost any scent one can imagine. I’ve seen a crème brûlée spray, pumpkin pie, french vanilla, and many other odd picks for room sprays. I think they’re appropriate to use in the kitchen, because I would expect to smell those things in a kitchen. When I walk into a restroom, however, I don’t want to think, “Ooooo, is that pecan pie I detect? Oh, pecan pie AND poo!” It’s a quick way to lose one’s appetite. I know it makes me not want to eat those foods for awhile.

Those sprays make me let my guard down a little too, because I’ll think, “Ahh, that smells good!” and when I go for a second sniff it’s as if someone hits me in the face with a sock full of poo. It’s pumpkin pie scent people, not POOPkin pie! Any good scent like that never kills the bad, it just masks over it. Will anyone ever learn?

I think it’s great that sprays have come so far. Almost any scent can be duplicated. I even use body sprays that smell like cupcakes and cotton candy. I think sugary scents are sexy on a chick. Even research has shown that men prefer to smell vanilla or cinnamon on a woman. I have a friend who showed me a bottle of his cologne called Humidor. It wasn’t just a cool name, it literally smelled like a humidor. He wants to get Paperback next. I was intrigued, so I found the company’s website. The designer of these odd scents is called Demeter. They have made so many scents that they list them in what they call a “fragrance library”. This “library” is full of some interesting titles. Allow me to name a few for you: Angel Food, Cinnamon Bun, Bulgarian Rose. Different right? Those aren’t even the weird ones. You can get Mojito,Gin and Tonic, and other alcoholic drink scents. Try explaining that if you get pulled over. “No officer, I haven’t been drinking, I’m just wearing my bourbon-scented perfume”. There’s a scent called Crayon too, but the most odd by far? Funeral Home! Talk about something that doesn’t belong somewhere! I don’t want my body to smell like a funeral home, an earthworm, a green tomato, or sushi!!

I understand and appreciate the novelty and chemistry behind it. The food industry cashed in on this technology as well. Have you ever tried Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans– jelly beans that taste like vomit, earwax, dirt, and skunk spray? Sure they’re different, but that doesn’t mean I want to eat them. Guys, can you imagine going in for a kiss and smelling skunk spray on your lady’s breath and raw salmon on her neck? That’s just gross and definitely wouldn’t make a good impression. It’s cool that any scent can be created, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it has to be worn.

I think unusual yet pleasant scents are fine as long as they seem at home in the area they are sprayed. Let’s keep the sugar cookie spray in the kitchen, a fresh linen scent in the bathroom, and everything will make good scents. If you don’t like my opinion, you can bite me. I do smell like a cupcakes after all.